1. Your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they're interested in together. Don't stop being friends just because you're each other's spouse.
2. Your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner's needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don't let resentment build.
Monday, June 28, 2010
More needs
Nonverbal communication is an important part of how human beings relate to one another.
The important thing to remember is that the unconscious mind is powerful, and it can pick up on many different things about another person even if they are not obvious.
For instance, body language is a perfect example of nonverbal communication. A person’s posture tells people a lot about how that person thinks about himself.
Within a marriage relationship, nonverbal communication is even more important. It has been estimated that over ninety percent of the effectiveness of communication is facilitated by nonverbal cues. Obviously, it’s important to understand how improving nonverbal communication can improve your marriage relationship!
Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Nonverbal Communication
Give these five tips a try in the daily interaction with your spouse and see what a difference you can make without saying a word:
1. Make sure you always express affection.
Nonverbal communication involves things such as eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body language and other visual and emotional cues. If you never express affection in a physical, non-sexual way, your partner will probably start unconsciously or consciously thinking that you do not love them. So, on a daily basis, express your affection by holding their hand, rubbing their shoulders, or simply holding them in your arms.
2. Pay attention to your spouse’s mood.
One of the hardest things that marriage calls upon a couple to do is step outside of themselves and really pay attention to their partner. Nonverbally, we give out a lot of cues about our mood. For instance, frowning, silence, sitting cross-legged or not making eye contact are clues that our spouse is in a bad mood, while smiling, being open and free in conversation, and looking into your eyes are signs that they are in a good mood. Paying attention to these cues is a great way to improve communication.
3. Use positive language when expressing disagreement.
Nonverbal communication actually plays a role during verbal communication. For instance, when trying to express yourself to your partner, often it is the words that are left unsaid that mean much more than the words that are said.
Using negative language like “Yes, but,” or even “Whatever” in response to a question or a sentence can be problematic. Using positive language like “Yes, and” is better because it avoids any negative reaction from your partner. The tone and attitude of a person is not always verbalized, but it is implied in their voice and words.
4. Do their chores for them.
If you and your spouse divide up the chores between yourselves, a great way to express nonverbal affection is to do their chores for them sometimes. This demonstrates concern as well as affection, and it can be a very pleasant surprise for them to discover you have taken care of some of their work for them.
5. Make small personal gifts and leave them where they can be found.
This can include love notes, flowers, cards, etc. They can be left anywhere, from the bathroom to the kitchen to the bedroom. These represent personal ways of showing affection that make the marriage stronger.
The important thing to remember is that the unconscious mind is powerful, and it can pick up on many different things about another person even if they are not obvious.
For instance, body language is a perfect example of nonverbal communication. A person’s posture tells people a lot about how that person thinks about himself.
Within a marriage relationship, nonverbal communication is even more important. It has been estimated that over ninety percent of the effectiveness of communication is facilitated by nonverbal cues. Obviously, it’s important to understand how improving nonverbal communication can improve your marriage relationship!
Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Nonverbal Communication
Give these five tips a try in the daily interaction with your spouse and see what a difference you can make without saying a word:
1. Make sure you always express affection.
Nonverbal communication involves things such as eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body language and other visual and emotional cues. If you never express affection in a physical, non-sexual way, your partner will probably start unconsciously or consciously thinking that you do not love them. So, on a daily basis, express your affection by holding their hand, rubbing their shoulders, or simply holding them in your arms.
2. Pay attention to your spouse’s mood.
One of the hardest things that marriage calls upon a couple to do is step outside of themselves and really pay attention to their partner. Nonverbally, we give out a lot of cues about our mood. For instance, frowning, silence, sitting cross-legged or not making eye contact are clues that our spouse is in a bad mood, while smiling, being open and free in conversation, and looking into your eyes are signs that they are in a good mood. Paying attention to these cues is a great way to improve communication.
3. Use positive language when expressing disagreement.
Nonverbal communication actually plays a role during verbal communication. For instance, when trying to express yourself to your partner, often it is the words that are left unsaid that mean much more than the words that are said.
Using negative language like “Yes, but,” or even “Whatever” in response to a question or a sentence can be problematic. Using positive language like “Yes, and” is better because it avoids any negative reaction from your partner. The tone and attitude of a person is not always verbalized, but it is implied in their voice and words.
4. Do their chores for them.
If you and your spouse divide up the chores between yourselves, a great way to express nonverbal affection is to do their chores for them sometimes. This demonstrates concern as well as affection, and it can be a very pleasant surprise for them to discover you have taken care of some of their work for them.
5. Make small personal gifts and leave them where they can be found.
This can include love notes, flowers, cards, etc. They can be left anywhere, from the bathroom to the kitchen to the bedroom. These represent personal ways of showing affection that make the marriage stronger.
Top 10 Things Wives Want From Their Husbands
1. Telling Her Daily That She is Loved
Everyone wants to be affirmed. Everyone wants to know they are loved. The best ways to say "I love you" are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways like an unexpected hug or holding hands when you walk together.
2. Understanding and Forgiveness
There will be days when your wife will make mistakes or when she will be difficult to be around. No one is perfect. She both wants and deserves your willingness to understand and forgive her. Remember that no relationship can be sustained without forgiveness.
3. Conversation
Don't let your conversations with your wife dwindle to nothing but talk about your kids, your jobs, and the weather. If that happens, your marriage relationship could be in real trouble.
4. Willingness to Make Time for Her and Your Children
Having quality time with your wife and kids isn't something that just happens. You have to make it happen by not only making the plans but by following through. Time with those you love has to be a high priority for you.
5. Saying "Yes" More Than Saying "No"
Habitual negative responses to your wife and kids can push them away from you. Think twice before saying "no" and you will be surprised at how saying "yes" can improve your relationships.
6. Listening Well
It's really disheartening for a wife to share her thoughts and feelings with her mate and then realize that he didn't actually listen to her. Your wife wants you to not only listen with your ears, but to listen with your heart.
7. Affection and Kindness
How often do you say "please" or "thank you" or give your spouse an unexpected kiss? Unfortunately, some married couples forget that being kind and affectionate to one another are keys to a successful marriage.
8. Sharing Household and Child Rearing Responsibilities.
One of the main reasons couples fight is conflict over who is doing what around the house. Chores and child care are not the sole responsibility of your wife. She shouldn't have to ask you to do your share around the house.
9. A Day Off Now and Then
Don't fuss about your wife taking a day off several times a month. This means that she will be free from worrying about what is happening with the kids, the house, the pets, and you. She deserves this break in her schedule and she needs to herself to be emotionally and physically healthy.
10. Commitment to Take Care of Yourself Both Physically and Emotionally
Many men are notorious for not taking care of themselves when it comes to health issues. This isn't fair to your wife. She is your lover not your mother. Take responsibility for your own health concerns.
Everyone wants to be affirmed. Everyone wants to know they are loved. The best ways to say "I love you" are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways like an unexpected hug or holding hands when you walk together.
2. Understanding and Forgiveness
There will be days when your wife will make mistakes or when she will be difficult to be around. No one is perfect. She both wants and deserves your willingness to understand and forgive her. Remember that no relationship can be sustained without forgiveness.
3. Conversation
Don't let your conversations with your wife dwindle to nothing but talk about your kids, your jobs, and the weather. If that happens, your marriage relationship could be in real trouble.
4. Willingness to Make Time for Her and Your Children
Having quality time with your wife and kids isn't something that just happens. You have to make it happen by not only making the plans but by following through. Time with those you love has to be a high priority for you.
5. Saying "Yes" More Than Saying "No"
Habitual negative responses to your wife and kids can push them away from you. Think twice before saying "no" and you will be surprised at how saying "yes" can improve your relationships.
6. Listening Well
It's really disheartening for a wife to share her thoughts and feelings with her mate and then realize that he didn't actually listen to her. Your wife wants you to not only listen with your ears, but to listen with your heart.
7. Affection and Kindness
How often do you say "please" or "thank you" or give your spouse an unexpected kiss? Unfortunately, some married couples forget that being kind and affectionate to one another are keys to a successful marriage.
8. Sharing Household and Child Rearing Responsibilities.
One of the main reasons couples fight is conflict over who is doing what around the house. Chores and child care are not the sole responsibility of your wife. She shouldn't have to ask you to do your share around the house.
9. A Day Off Now and Then
Don't fuss about your wife taking a day off several times a month. This means that she will be free from worrying about what is happening with the kids, the house, the pets, and you. She deserves this break in her schedule and she needs to herself to be emotionally and physically healthy.
10. Commitment to Take Care of Yourself Both Physically and Emotionally
Many men are notorious for not taking care of themselves when it comes to health issues. This isn't fair to your wife. She is your lover not your mother. Take responsibility for your own health concerns.
Top 10 Things Husbands Want From Their Wives
1. Believe in His Capabilities
Many men believe it is important for them to protect and provide for those they love. Let him know that you believe in his talents and skills and are supportive of him.
2. Understanding
One of the ways you can both tell and show your husband that you want to understand him is by making a commitment to daily dialogue with him. Daily dialogue only takes 20 minutes out of your day. Isn't your husband worth 20 minutes each day?
3. Affirmation of His Accomplishments
Most guys like to be patted on the back. Compliment your husband often. Just don't over do it with sicky sweet oozes of how great he is. That type of affirmation will backfire.
4. Acceptance
Many husbands are hurt and angered when their wives try to change them. Realize that the only person that you can change is yourself.
5. Less Chatter
If your husband is tired, or involved with a project, and you really want to talk to him about something, get to the point. If he wants the details of the topic, he will ask for them.
6. Affection
Hold your husband's hand in public, leave a message of love on his voice mail, massage his shoulders, give him an unexpected kiss. Men like to be romanced too!
7. Respect
Show respect for your husband by not making negative comments about his thoughts and opinions, by being considerate of his plans, and by avoiding the "eye roll" when listening to him.
8. Free Time
Most everyone has a desire for some quiet time alone, and time to re-energize, regroup, and reconnect. When your husband first gets home from work, allow him some free time to unwind. Don't over-schedule his days off with projects around the house.
9. Trust
Trust is vital in the success of a marriage. If you are having doubts about your husband and find it difficult to trust him, seek counseling and not spying.
10. To Be a Companion
Hopefully, you can say that your husband is not only your lover, but also your friend. Staying friends and companions through the years requires that you find ways to make time together and to do things together
Many men believe it is important for them to protect and provide for those they love. Let him know that you believe in his talents and skills and are supportive of him.
2. Understanding
One of the ways you can both tell and show your husband that you want to understand him is by making a commitment to daily dialogue with him. Daily dialogue only takes 20 minutes out of your day. Isn't your husband worth 20 minutes each day?
3. Affirmation of His Accomplishments
Most guys like to be patted on the back. Compliment your husband often. Just don't over do it with sicky sweet oozes of how great he is. That type of affirmation will backfire.
4. Acceptance
Many husbands are hurt and angered when their wives try to change them. Realize that the only person that you can change is yourself.
5. Less Chatter
If your husband is tired, or involved with a project, and you really want to talk to him about something, get to the point. If he wants the details of the topic, he will ask for them.
6. Affection
Hold your husband's hand in public, leave a message of love on his voice mail, massage his shoulders, give him an unexpected kiss. Men like to be romanced too!
7. Respect
Show respect for your husband by not making negative comments about his thoughts and opinions, by being considerate of his plans, and by avoiding the "eye roll" when listening to him.
8. Free Time
Most everyone has a desire for some quiet time alone, and time to re-energize, regroup, and reconnect. When your husband first gets home from work, allow him some free time to unwind. Don't over-schedule his days off with projects around the house.
9. Trust
Trust is vital in the success of a marriage. If you are having doubts about your husband and find it difficult to trust him, seek counseling and not spying.
10. To Be a Companion
Hopefully, you can say that your husband is not only your lover, but also your friend. Staying friends and companions through the years requires that you find ways to make time together and to do things together
Ten Things That May Surprise You About Surprising Your Spouse
The whole idea of a wonderful, pleasant surprise is to do or give something unexpectedly. A really great surprise will astonish and amaze your spouse. Here are some tips on how to surprise your spouse.
• Choose an ordinary day to surprise your spouse. Always choosing special days like anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. lessens the sense of surprise.
• Make sure the surprise is about your spouse and not about you. Don't pick a weekend away at a location that you love but your spouse could care less about. Even if you don't enjoy something like opera or basketball, or going to a museum, or a day of shopping or fishing or working in the garden, if that is what your spouse likes to do, the surprise will be your willingness to share such an activity with your mate. Be willing to go outside your own comfort zone.
• Don't manipulate your spouse. Make sure a surprise gift is something your spouse wants and not something you want. Don't give a cookbook if you want your mate to cook more. Don't give a lawnmower to your husband if you want the lawn mowed more often. Don't give sexy lingerie to your wife if you want more sex.
• Listen to your spouse. If you want your spouse to be pleasantly surprised, notice the type of things liked or enjoyed by your spouse. Be aware of what he/she stops to look at in stores or mentions in conversations.
• Don't spend money you don't have on the surprise. Going in debt is not a pleasant surprise.
• If you plan a trip or overnight stay, do all the planning. Don't surprise your spouse with a weekend or night away and then expect your partner to arrange for child or pet care, time off work, dinner reservations, etc. Really, really make it a surprise by putting in the effort to handle all the details including making sure that your plans won't interfere with plans already made by your spouse.
• Don't let a tight budget be an excuse for not surprising your spouse. Create a treasure hunt with an inexpensive gift or coupon as the surprise at the end of the hunt. You can make a romantic dinner at home, a picnic for just the two of you, or give a coupon for a day without responsibilities.
• Don't surprise your spouse with a pet. Owning a pet needs to be a mutual decision.
• Keep your surprises simple. The more elaborate you make your surprise, the more things can go wrong. Don't make surprising one another a competitive event. Elaborate and expensive trips and gifts should usually be planned together.
• Try to create meaningful surprises. While you are creating a memory with a surprise, you are also hopefully creating a meaningful intimate moment.
• Choose an ordinary day to surprise your spouse. Always choosing special days like anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. lessens the sense of surprise.
• Make sure the surprise is about your spouse and not about you. Don't pick a weekend away at a location that you love but your spouse could care less about. Even if you don't enjoy something like opera or basketball, or going to a museum, or a day of shopping or fishing or working in the garden, if that is what your spouse likes to do, the surprise will be your willingness to share such an activity with your mate. Be willing to go outside your own comfort zone.
• Don't manipulate your spouse. Make sure a surprise gift is something your spouse wants and not something you want. Don't give a cookbook if you want your mate to cook more. Don't give a lawnmower to your husband if you want the lawn mowed more often. Don't give sexy lingerie to your wife if you want more sex.
• Listen to your spouse. If you want your spouse to be pleasantly surprised, notice the type of things liked or enjoyed by your spouse. Be aware of what he/she stops to look at in stores or mentions in conversations.
• Don't spend money you don't have on the surprise. Going in debt is not a pleasant surprise.
• If you plan a trip or overnight stay, do all the planning. Don't surprise your spouse with a weekend or night away and then expect your partner to arrange for child or pet care, time off work, dinner reservations, etc. Really, really make it a surprise by putting in the effort to handle all the details including making sure that your plans won't interfere with plans already made by your spouse.
• Don't let a tight budget be an excuse for not surprising your spouse. Create a treasure hunt with an inexpensive gift or coupon as the surprise at the end of the hunt. You can make a romantic dinner at home, a picnic for just the two of you, or give a coupon for a day without responsibilities.
• Don't surprise your spouse with a pet. Owning a pet needs to be a mutual decision.
• Keep your surprises simple. The more elaborate you make your surprise, the more things can go wrong. Don't make surprising one another a competitive event. Elaborate and expensive trips and gifts should usually be planned together.
• Try to create meaningful surprises. While you are creating a memory with a surprise, you are also hopefully creating a meaningful intimate moment.
Four Basic Emotional Needs
• The need to love and be loved.
• The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
• The need to have a positive self image.
• The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control.
Some may add the need for security to this list of emotional needs. We believe that people who love and are loved, who have a sense of belonging and can see purpose to their lives, who believe in themselves, and who have a sense of control over their own lives are secure individuals.
Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself.
"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure."
• The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
• The need to have a positive self image.
• The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control.
Some may add the need for security to this list of emotional needs. We believe that people who love and are loved, who have a sense of belonging and can see purpose to their lives, who believe in themselves, and who have a sense of control over their own lives are secure individuals.
Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself.
"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure."
Check List!
50. Schedule date nights regularly.
49. Speak your truth in a respectful way.
48. Ask for what you want or need.
47. Share your feelings often.
46. Create magical moments.
45. Compliment your spouse daily.
44. Change yourself instead of trying to change your spouse.
43. Look your best, dress up and be well groomed.
42. Lower your expectations.
42. Learn to enjoy each others company.
41. Plan for good times.
40. Support each other’s individual goals.
39. Create goals together.
38. Do service work together.
37. Eat as many meals together as possible.
36. Talk to each other for 30 minutes a day.
35. Pray or meditate together.
36. Share in each others interests.
34. Touch your spouse several times a day.
33. Kiss every day for at least 12 seconds.
32. Apologize and state how your behavior will change.
31. Spend time away from each other.
30. Be trustworthy.
29. Remove the television from your bedroom.
28. Accept each other’s flaws.
27. Don’t take each other for granted.
26. Give each other space.
25. Offer to help with daily chores.
24. Say please and thank you no matter how big or small the act.
23. Always give away the extra cookie.
22. Serve yourself last.
21. Check in with each other while apart by talking or texting.
20. Clean the other’s car.
19. Watch some TV together.
18. Be the first person to pick up the dishes from the table.
17. Smile often.
16. Gaze into each other’s eyes.
15. Eat meals slowly and really listen when the other speaks.
14. Refuse to hold a grudge.
13. Cuddle often.
12. Be honest.
11. Forgive often.
10. Surprise each other.
9. Spend 3 weekends alone together each year.
8. Plan and stick to your budget together.
7. Always discuss major purchases before making them.
6. Laugh at each others mistakes.
5. Never threaten each other.
4. Make honesty your best policy.
3. Respect each other.
2. Remember together you’re a team.
1. Make love often.
49. Speak your truth in a respectful way.
48. Ask for what you want or need.
47. Share your feelings often.
46. Create magical moments.
45. Compliment your spouse daily.
44. Change yourself instead of trying to change your spouse.
43. Look your best, dress up and be well groomed.
42. Lower your expectations.
42. Learn to enjoy each others company.
41. Plan for good times.
40. Support each other’s individual goals.
39. Create goals together.
38. Do service work together.
37. Eat as many meals together as possible.
36. Talk to each other for 30 minutes a day.
35. Pray or meditate together.
36. Share in each others interests.
34. Touch your spouse several times a day.
33. Kiss every day for at least 12 seconds.
32. Apologize and state how your behavior will change.
31. Spend time away from each other.
30. Be trustworthy.
29. Remove the television from your bedroom.
28. Accept each other’s flaws.
27. Don’t take each other for granted.
26. Give each other space.
25. Offer to help with daily chores.
24. Say please and thank you no matter how big or small the act.
23. Always give away the extra cookie.
22. Serve yourself last.
21. Check in with each other while apart by talking or texting.
20. Clean the other’s car.
19. Watch some TV together.
18. Be the first person to pick up the dishes from the table.
17. Smile often.
16. Gaze into each other’s eyes.
15. Eat meals slowly and really listen when the other speaks.
14. Refuse to hold a grudge.
13. Cuddle often.
12. Be honest.
11. Forgive often.
10. Surprise each other.
9. Spend 3 weekends alone together each year.
8. Plan and stick to your budget together.
7. Always discuss major purchases before making them.
6. Laugh at each others mistakes.
5. Never threaten each other.
4. Make honesty your best policy.
3. Respect each other.
2. Remember together you’re a team.
1. Make love often.
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